Three's a Crowd

Parenting isn't just an exercise in managing your kids. There is that whole, ill-considered and often ignored side of the equation - your own personal relationships.

It might sound simplistic, but I know of no one who truly understood the impact, the sheer unadulterated magnitude of how having a child can change the dynamics of your relationships - with your significant other, with your friends, with your life....Yes you think about it, yes you consider it, you talk about it with your spouse when you consider (assuming you do consider and plan!) the possibility of having kids, it is an endless point of conversation...but it remains, for the most part unknowable and unguessable. You don't clearly appreciate the seismic shock that is going to shape your lives.

Kids are more than just an inconvenience on your privacy and an imposition on your personal time. They force you to rebalance your life, your dreams, your priorities. They suddenly are part and parcel of every decision you make (at least in my experience. We'll see how that changes as Zachery gets older. My knowledge is a "first-hand account" - a discovery of an unknown country, one mile at a time ...), every argument, every discussion, every shared plan - always a piece of it - until you realize, you aren't a couple anymore, you're a triumverate and an unstable one at best because it is often difficult for parents to place their joys, dreams, thoughts and ambitions first, or second, or even have them weigh on the scale. You find yourself building plans, lives and relationships around your child, first and foremost...often to the detriment of other relationships.

Arguments and disagreements are a part of every relationship. They are expected, sometimes common, and a couple's ability to manage and communicate within the dynamic of their relationship can be tested, but more often grows through the experience of disagreement. It is how you learn to communicate, to understand each other. Throw a kid into the mix and suddenly there is an imbalance that skews the process, forces a new context.

Suddenly you can't just have an argument - arguing in front of the child isn't a good option at the best of times, but let's get real - it happens, no matter how careful you are. Kids can sense emotional tension and shifts in mood and react accordingly. When my wife and I have an argument, Zack picks up on it extremely fast, and generally tries to do what he normally does - insert himself into the middle of it. I suspect it is mostly driven by protective instincts and fear, but having him tearfully interjecting, while it sometimes can serve to remind us to act like adults, often just exacerbates the situation by making us self-conscious, self-aware and defensive.

The difficulty is that while you might recognize an argument for what it is - a natural piece of a growing relationship, one that despite the disagreement, doesn't change the life you are building together or your heartfelt commitment to each other - but for him it is always a terrifying surprise.

Sometimes, when you are in the midst of a heated emotional argument, it is surprisingly hard to remember that the small, vulnerable third party to this equation, isn't equipped yet to deal with the intensity or the uncertainty of the emotions being displayed. For them, this is the whole world being stood on its head and shaken.

That realization, more than anything else, becomes a key element in how you effectively manage the fact that the life you used to know, pre-child, is irrevocably gone. You need to build a new relationship, a new balance, a new dynamic - and like the old one you and your love had constructed, it cannot be static or expected, but must be infinitely adaptable and flexible.

Supple.

You learn to bend.

This doesn't mean you ignore it or paper-it-over or become an agreeable fop - or worse, live everything at the whim of your child. You need to recognize the need for change in your relationships, for give and take, for the need to build something that is bigger then a couple - the need for a family.

If you want your life to be managable within the context of all your varied relationships. You also need to embrace those relationships. They may change because of the addition of a third party, but they do not need to end. Adaptation not extinction is the byword.

I don't know if this last post makes much sense. It may not be applicable or even make sense to you...but I think it does to me. Having a child forces changes into your relationship, and often they are not obvious or clear until time marches past. Relationships, particularly important ones, can't be static and they are, like Rome, never built in a day.

Being a dad is a large part of who I am, but being a husband, a friend, a lover, a partner is equally important. A family has all these aspects...and more.

Relationships are hard. But as the man once said, if you only do it when its easy, is it worth doing?

Comments are always welcome. You can reach me at dadchronicles(at)hotmail.com.