Not Just a Dad

"Daddy, look at this!"

"Daddy, watch cartoons with me!"

"Daddy, I'm bored."

Daddy, I want breakfast! Now!"

"Daddy! Daddy! DADDEE!!! DAD-DDDEE-E-EEE!"

I love being a father, but...there are times I would love to shut the boy off.

So much of my time these days is being spent with my son, it is both a joy and a curse. Don't get me wrong, I love to spend time with Zack but, there are times, when it is just too much - too much playing, too much kid conversations, too much wrestling with a small but demanding fellow that, often, will not wait or accept anything less then immediate acknowledgement and compliance...Gad, he's worse then telephone marketers.

I don't begrudge the time. As my wife eloquently points out, how many fathers today have the time to spend with their sons that I've managed (inadvertant though it may be)? But there are times, times when I desperately would like to have space for myself, some distance, some freedom from always being a Dad. I suspect that my wife secretly thinks the same thoughts, but I doubt she would admit it.

The thing is, being a parent (at least being a good one I think) is a 24/7 job, from which no real holiday may ever be taken. You do not have the personal space you once had, the freedom, the flexibility - everything must be contoured to fit the small person that now dominates your life. In my case, without full-time work as an opposing force of sorts, the immediacy, the dominant role of being a parent now looms inescapably large...sometimes too large for comfort.

The secret is that when you wear the identity of Dad, you need to acknowledge that it isn't a coat you can put on or take off, it is an aspect of who you are. It may be a vital aspect, but the key is that it is not the only aspect. No Dad is an island. He is a husband, a lover, a brother, a worker, a thinker, a sportsman, a doer, a guardian...a son, and a father. As a person, you wear a lot of hats, and you wear them simultaneously, for all the people in your life. I can't be a father without being all of the other roles that make up who I am. They are part and parcel of what makes me a good Dad, I suspect. Lose those aspects of myself and the weight of personality, experience and self that I have that makes up Zachery's father...well, it's a thin gruel that would be left, one unable to handle the demands of actually being a parent.

So I remind myself of that, when I settle in on the couch, with Zachery taking my pillow, stealing my drink and changing the channel to yet another cartoon while snuggling into the crook of my arm.

I am a Dad. But not just a Dad.

Comments are always welcome. You can reach me at dadchronicles(at)hotmail.com.